Kuriakon - Infinity

My Personal NDE's
In 1998, I traveled home to take care of my ailing grandparents. As the saying goes, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times." I was caught up in the joy of being reunited with the two people I shared a great depth of love with. During the process childhood and adult memories were being triggered. My family had known of my condition since I was 18 years old. I had a problem retaining personal memories associated with my childhood or early adult life. It was a condition we were all used to. In 1978 at the age of 18 - I had awaken one morning with severe retrograde amneisia which effected eposidic memory. I had worked with my Grandparents and professionals in an effort to deal with the gapping hole in my subconsious that swallowed up memories. The Doctors had told me that I was hiding from some sort of trauma associated with a 'car accident' I had been involved in prior to the amnesia. They warned me that when the memories came back - the emotional impact would be severe. I felt the severity of that impact in 1998 when the memories of two adult NDE's started trickling back into my conscious mind again. Then, more memories started trickling back of a severe childhood medical condition started trickling back into my conscious mind again. The Doctors were right and I braced for an emotional impact.

I had been told that in childhood I had suffered an extreme cardiac condition which had lead to cardiac arrest mutilple times prior to puberty. My family and my Doctors felt I had been hiding myself from the trauma associated with the extreme and violent pain involved. The Doctors felt the extreme nature of the medical condition was in league with a form of 'child abuse.' Even though it was from a medical condition - all the similar factors involved in a voilent form of pain and anger had been involved and I had tried to deal with the pyscological and emotional factors in an effort to lead a normal and healthy adult life.

In 1978 I had a few Professors associated with my hometown college get involved in the condition. They helped me develop a form of 'self hypnosis' to deal with the hidden medical conditon as well as the 'hidden pyscological' factors involved in a 'severe' case of 'child abuse.' (The cardic condition was the 'abuser' in my case.) In 1978, my family had told me that during childhood I had died over 1000 times and miraclously came back to life. For twenty years of my adult life - all those 'near death' experiences had been hidden from my conscious mind as live my life. In 1998, the hint of all those hidden and buried memories started exposing themselves in a slow method to prepare me for the blunt of the force of the impact of the memories of a childhood filled with severe pain due to a cardiac condition.

Not only did I have two adult memories of 'near death' and miraclous recoveries come back to me in 1998 - I had the memories leading me to discovery the time in childhood when I died over a 1000 deaths - to live to tell the tale of my adventures in a realm (as I child) I always called my "real home."

1978 NDE
It was strange to wake up one morning with no personal memories of my family, friends, classmate, teachers, coworkers or acquaintances. Everyone was a stranger to me. Yet, I had slight memories of being outside my 'lifeless and dead' body hovering in an invisible body of light. I had slight memories of leaving this world of gravity and time and traveling through the cosmos to a dimension that was timeless and eternal.

I had two priorities in the first year of my adult life. Trying to understand what 'this memory' was of me leaving this world and traveling to another realm, and - trying to understand who I had been prior to my 18th birthday. For the first year of my adult life, the two problems sort of merged into one as I dived into the mysteries of the 'near death experience' and tried to incorporate them into my young adult life.

The memory of my 'body of air and light' hovering outside my 'crashed car' was vivid and alive in my memory for many years to come. There was no doubt in my mind it had been a real experience to me. The problem was trying to talk about it to other minds. In 1978, the idea of a 'ghostly spirit' coming back to a human body was controversial and the subject matter would sometimes lead to a heated debate with people. Many skeptical minds would try to impose their doubts on my young and impressionable mind. I learned to only discuss the private matter with trusted and close friends.

My car had been traveling at a high rate of speed. The Police Officer I worked with in the aftermath of the investigation stated what I could remember was on the odometer prior to impact. They estimated I was traveling in excess of 125 MPH at impact. I could clearly recall looking at the odometer prior to impact and seeing the gauge at full throttle. My odometer only went to 125 and it was way past the mark.

After the impact - I felt I had been thrown from the car. It took a series of thought processes to determine that I was no longer in a physical body and hovering outside the scene as a spirit. I felt I spent a billion years outside my body zooming around the galaxy of the unknown realm of Creation. When I woke back up inside my body a day later - I was confused how a billion years time could be reduced down to a single day here on earth. I asked people,

"How did I get back in my 'earth suit'?"

No human mind had a good answer for me. During the first week, I discovered a hidden connection within me. The connection was a telepathic form of communication with the Spirit whom I had identified with during the 'out of body' experience. The voice of this Spirit became like a semi-stranger to me and I had to work to reconnect a relationship with this personality as well. (I was used to this due to my amnesia.)

I spent the next five years filling in the gap and trying to fill in the void between this realm and the realm beyond.

Childhood NDE's
The trade off of my amnesia was a normal and rational mind - blank from any memories of childhood. My family and various Doctors familar with my case felt they understood the need for this sort of 'denial.' What people in my family as well as professionals told me about my medical case stunned my post-amnesia mind. I couldn't comprehend the idea of what some people told me.

"I saw you die and come back to life right before my eyes. You don't remember that? I feel crazy talking about it now if you - yourself - don't remember what I am talking about. It makes it seem like it really didn't happen."

This sort of statement was made to me over and over again. No one I was close to wanted to talk about the fact that I had a memory from the car crash - because from their point of view - I had supposedly been talking about that 'other worldly realm' all through childhood.

The facts I gathered about my medical condition came from my Dad and one Doctor. My condition had been discovered professionally when I was in 1st grade around the age of six or seven. I had been complaining about it (according to my Dad) for several years until it 'exploded' one day and I was rushed to the emergency room. My Dad stated that I had died in front of everyone in the ER. My Mom was hysterical and the Doctors were "writing out the toe tag" (as my Dad said it.) Then, I pushed the sheet off my head and jumped up off the floor and coughed and sputtered back to life. This had stunned everyone but everyone was too full of joy at my revival to all the stunned effect to overcome them. The fact that I was a child had softened the blow of seeing a 'dead body' ressurected before their eyes. My Dad told me,

"If you had been a grown man and a stranger to me - I would have took off running and I would still be running today. It was overwhelming to the senses."

There had been two Doctors on the scene and both had pronounced me 'dead.' They didn't feel both of them could make the same mistake so they ordered extensive tests at their expense to comprehend how they had mistaken a case of death. My Dad told me that what they found overwhelmed their senses again. It was a clear case of a modern medical marvel or a good old fashioned miracle.

They had tried to talk to me about what had happened during my 'unconscious state.' From my testimony, in my childish voice, I had made it sound as if I 'was plugging' up the 'hole in my heart' that had lead to the cardiac arrest. The 'pinhole' was increasing in size and tearing as I grew. Each time, the Doctors would take a medical image and validate my testimony with a photographic image of my heart. There would be a new scar on a 'pinhole' after each of the eposides of 'cardiac arrest' that led to a 'death scene.'

In the coming years, this proved to be very controversial and led to a court case where I fought to keep my family and myself together. As my Dad said later, we had to go into hiding to keep people from trying to take me away from my family in an effort to study the dramatic 'medical marvel' that was taking place inside of me. My family and I got used to hiding the 'condition' away from prying eyes. That was the foundation for later years in using a form of 'self-hypnosis' to hid memories pertaining to my medical condition as well as the pain, anger and emotions involved with all the trauma to my physical body.

1988 NDE
A decade after my amnesia - I found myself living on an island in the Pacific Ocean. A part of me had been intimidated by the 'lack of memory.' It had turned into a 'global amnesia' problem. I was constantly 'burying' memories and starting from scratch. I had to keep the memories buried to avoid the 'physical pain' associated with the 'medical condition' hidden inside of me. If I allowed my mind to 'dip' into the hidden memories - the pain would overwhelm me and cause a 'relaspe' of the condition. As the saying goes, "out of sight, out of mind." Whether or not this was the case was another matter - but it was a foundation built upon starting in 7th grade when I started working with professors at my local hometown college. In order to free my 'conscious mind' up to have and retain a normal life - I had to keep the 'monsters' of my childhood buried and away from my conscious mind. I had to avoid any 'triggers' associated with any type of pain.

This was a factor I worked with as a young adult and the professionals I contracted to help me in my case. If a person stepped on my toe by accident - it was a potential trigger that could unleash a fury of anger associated with my childhood medical trauma's. I had to avoid any type of pain like a plauge. I had to use 'self hypnosis' in a manner to put a safe-guard in place to keep myself as well as other safe from the 'deep well of anger' hidden inside of me. I had to 'utulize a subconscious' pocket of instructions to help me deal with the 'anger' involved in a healthy and constructive manner. This was all put to the test in 1988 when I tripped over my own feet and jarred one of the 'inner scars' associated with my childhood medical condition. It lead to a medical relapse and one of my lungs collasped. This lead to another 'near death experience' that was witnessed by eight friends and two paramedics.

The eight witnesses (non-professionals) testified they thought I had been 'lifeless and dead" for a period of approxiamately 45 minutes. The paramedics arrived on the scene 14 minutes after the call to 911 and found me in a state that suggested 'death.' (Paramedics are not qualified to make that determination legally.) They followed protocol and asked my friends if they wanted me revived from that state. My friends felt I had been without oxygen too long and declined medical intervention. The paramedics called the medical exiaminer to make the legal determination of death. The paramedics later testified they felt I had been dead in front of their eyes for a period of 31 minutes before I coughed back to life again. When I did come back to life - I verifed an 'ADC' type of communication with one of the paramedics involved.

The lung was left collasped when I returned to life. There was a massive frenzy during the ER procedure to get my collasped lung corrected. During this time - I was being triggered left and right and had full recall of my childhood trauma's.

After the ER frenzy calmed down - I was able to speak to a Police Officer involved as well as the Medical Examiner and a Doctor about the 'medical marvel' that occured that brought me back to life after being dead for 45 minutes.

The person I spoke at lenght with was a Doctor. I had partial memories back after my 'near death experience' and had insight to know that I would bury the memories of my 'trip home' within a month after the occurance. In a month's time - the shadow of my amnesia would cover up the memories of the 1988 NDE until the time was right for me to deal with the trauma associated with all my NDE's on a human level. My 'spiritual trips home' didn't spare me the emotional and pscyological trauma associated with the physical condition I walked with hidden inside of me.

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